You know it’s going to happen. But don’t let conflict with the person you love ruin the relationship. In fact, done right, dealing with conflict will improve the relationship.

“You can have some very turbulent relationships in which people love each other and stay together,” says Susan Johnson, Ph.D., director of the Ottawa Couple and Family Institute and a professor psychology and psychiatry at Ottawa University. “Emotional distance is what dooms a couple, not the fighting.” And productive conflict actually bridges that emotional distance instead of widening it. Good fighting can strengthen relationships and even prevent infidelity, says Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, marital therapist, and author of Daring Wives: Insight into Women’s Desires for Extramarital Affairs. “If you don’t fight, it’s basically a dead marriage, or dead relationship.’’

It’s worth the effort. In fact, the benefits of a good relationship go way beyond romance or loving coupledom. Happy couples are more successful in their careers--turmoil at home spills over into your work life—they make more money, have better adjusted children. They live, on average, four years longer and are healthier throughout their lives. So, can you and your loved one (most days) stop fighting and be happy? No, and yes. Here’s how.

Fighting nice isn’t fighting right
It’s not about fighting nice, researchers underscore (though hitting below the belt is still discouraged). It’s about being effective. At the same time, there’s a level of toxicity which, when reached, will destroy any chance for positive connection. John Gottman, Ph.D., the co-founder (appropriately enough, with his wife Julie) of the Gottman Institute at the University of Washington, has observed more than 700 couples fighting in the institute’s “Love Lab’’ over the last 14 years and then tracked their relationships. He’s identified the most toxic behaviors, ones that will doom couples, calling them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Avoiding these four reactions will ensure that discussions are productive, and relationships rewarding.
    
Know when to fight
Just like a boxer, you want to feel good on fight night, and you can actually use your upbeat mood as a signal to start something: Fight now when you’re not enraged. Tell your mate, “I know this has been bothering you and want to work with you to make it better. Can we talk about it?” Or schedule the talk for a later time, like tomorrow after work. And if tomorrow turns out to be a killer day for either of you, call it off.

Of course, most fights are notoriously unplanned. For spontaneous spats, you must follow this one ironclad rule: Never fight if either of you is under the influence. It’s hard to hold back when alcohol’s in play, says Anthony Wolf, Ph.D., a practicing clinical psychologist and author of Why Can’t You Shut Up? How We Ruin Relationships—How Not To, but “you just have to walk away and say you can’t argue now.”  

As for where to fight, you’d think that verbal smackdowns in public would be verboten. But our experts said that for some couples, being seated in a fancy restaurant might be a useful inhibitor, keeping the contenders from going truly ballistic. You know your experience as a couple. Where are you likely to fight best?

Shut up, already (until it’s your turn)
Try this technique to keep the discussion between the lines: Set your fight up like an interview, or a presidential press conference. Let your partner speak first, and no matter what he says, don’t interrupt. Not a word. Then when his venting runs out of steam (you can set a time limit beforehand), all you can do is ask him a question, as though you were a reporter. Something like, “Why do you think that happened?’’ Allow him to expand on his point of view again without conflict or contradiction. Now it’s your turn to make a statement, and he can interview you about it. This, you should know, is hard. Bite your tongue. “It takes a lot of discipline with each of you desperate to win your point, but when it works, the cycle of negativity becomes a cycle of listener, questioner, empathizer,” says Linda Carter, Ph.D., director of the Family Studies Program at New York University Child Study Center.

-- Additional reporting by Peggy Noonan

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