Upgrade Your Guy

By Sarah Miller

You've faced the fact that a dramatic overhaul of his entire being just isn't going to happen. But you're a woman, not a saint. So when the urge to tweak your guy (this otherwise perfect and divine being) or improve him in nonfundamental ways overtakes you, resist screaming, brute force, and threats, and instead, try it like this.

1. Appeal to the ego:
Common problem: bad clothes. Common way of complaining: "You look like Sonny Crockett/Andy Griffith/a guy with no job." Instead, opt for: "You're so handsome/sexy/have such nice eyes. The clothes you're wearing don't do you justice." And tell him that if he buys one more item of clothing without your okay it will be upon pain of death. Laugh, as if you might be joking.

2. Express concern, not anger:
Clearly, when you're waiting with dinner on the table, you'd be well within your rights to light into him when he arrives 2 hours late. But you're so much better off saying: "I was so worried about you. I kept trying to think what would keep you and imagining it must have been something terrible." Anger makes people--especially male people--very defensive. But when a man sees his wife or partner distraught or sad, he feels responsibility and is more likely to respond with sympathy, and, eventually, improved behavior.

3. Reward Good, ignore bad:
In the course of writing Kicked, Bitten, and Scratched: Life and Lessons at the Premier School for Exotic Animal Trainers, Amy Sutherland learned that animal handlers increasingly move away from dominance training--yelling and punishment--and instead rewarding behavior they like and ignoring behavior they don't. She decided to employ similar tactics with "the small annoyances of her 12-year marriage." When her husband didn't throw his smelly bike shorts in the hamper, she would no longer yell. But when he did, she would kiss him. "Couples have an annoying tendency to treat each other like old-school trainers treat animals," she says. "We're always demanding, 'Do this because I say so.'" She got much better results employing silence and kisses. So will you.

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