Bounce Back

By Michelle Marchetti

Recover from life's setbacks faster with these techniques

Resilient Kids: How Parents Can Help

Johnny gets cut from the team, while Sally gets the cold shoulder from her first best friend. How you teach your kids to cope with these pint-size crises may actually influence how they handle adversity as an adult. "Name any adolescent or adult problem--smoking, drugs, violence--they're all ways of making yourself feel better when you're stressed or feeling bad," says Kenneth R. Ginsburg, M.D., a pediatrician and author of A Parent's Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Your Child Roots and Wings. "But if you have a repertoire of positive coping strategies, you won't necessarily turn to the quick easy fix." Below, a few ways to give your kids a head start on resilience.

Build Confidence: When your child stumbles, remind him of his past successes. If, for example, he blew his SATs, remind him of how he aced the AP Math test. However, avoid saying things like, "I know you can do better because you're special." That just piles on the anxiety, Dr. Ginsburg says. "Kids who are showered with praise that isn't directly connected to something they've done well feel like they're supposed to be great every moment of the day."

Model positive behavior: After a bad day at work, do you immediately call your best friend to bemoan your boss's incessant nitpicking? Don't be surprised if your child is listening. Save the kvetching sessions for after bedtime and pull out your yoga mat instead. Show your child that when times are tough, "mommy takes care of herself," Dr. Ginsburg says.

Involve grandparents: Research suggests that as people get older, they also get more resilient. Allow your kids to tap into that wisdom by talking to their grandparents about hard times they've faced and overcome.

Let them take their bumps: Sure, we'd all like to insulate our children from problems, but jumping in won't help them figure things out for themselves. So if your 13-year-old gets cut from the team, encourage a meeting with the coach to discuss the improvements needed to make the team next year. Says Ken Merrell, professor of school psychology at the University of Oregon and director of The Oregon Resiliency Project: "The experience of dealing with adversity, along with guidance from parents, is how the child will learn resilience."

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