Bounce Back

By Michelle Marchetti

Recover from life's setbacks faster with these techniques

A 30-year-old New Yorker recently learned she couldn't have children, due to a medical condition. After a short period of mourning and soul-searching, she and her husband began the adoption process. But more than a year later, the crib they purchased is still empty. One birth mother lied to them, the woman says. At least two others changed their minds.

Every morning this woman has two choices: "Crawl under the covers and stay there,'' as she puts it, or "get out of bed and get on with my life,'' which includes investigating different parenting options. The fact that most days she's able to make the more active, positive choice means, ultimately, that she is resilient.

Resilience is the process of responding positively to adversity. Having it doesn't make us invulnerable, but it does allow us to work, live, and love despite emotional pain. (Think of those toy Weebles that wobble back up regardless of how many times they're knocked over.)

This combination of emotional strength and flexibility--sounds like yoga, doesn't it?--gives us power in even the most tragic circumstances. But it also improves the quality of our day-to-day lives. When we're stuck on hold, sparring with a spouse, or cleaning baby poop off our arms, resilience takes the edge off, allowing us to sleep better, get more done, be a better mother or wife, and simply have more fun. "Resilient people get through life with more enthusiasm, vigor, and energy," says Rosalind Dorlen, a clinical psychologist in Summit, New Jersey.

We can't control what happens to us--whether we can have children or whether our husband takes off during his midlife crisis--but we can learn to control our reactions. Psychologists tell us our resilience isn't just doled out in some genetic lottery; it's a psychological skill we can improve, strengthening our emotional armor. Here, some concrete ways to handle four common misfortunes with greater resilience.

The Breakup

Turn off your cell phone, call in sick, and get ready to cry. Friends and family may try to take your mind off the breakup, but resilient people face their problems directly.

In this case, it means some old-fashioned (but limited) wallowing is called for. Devote 3 days to playing your ex's CDs, reading his old love letters, looking at his pictures, and even wearing his T-shirts and cologne, says Karen Sherman, a psychologist in New York and author of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, Make It Last. By tuning all your senses to your ex right now, you'll take yourself on an emotional journey (albeit a painful one) that will help inoculate you against unexpected meltdowns in the future. "What happens very often," she says, "is we try to distract ourselves from the relationship, and then 2 weeks later, we hear a song on the radio that sets off all our emotions."

Next, get practical. You'll want to make two lists. First, write down all the fantasies and expectations you had for the relationship, then all the situations in which it failed and you were let down. Stick the list in your purse, Dr. Sherman says. Whenever you start dialing his phone number, take out the list. By staying focused on the reality of the relationship, you'll prevent your emotions from leading you back into it.

Flexibility is another resilient trait, and your second list both taps into that and strengthens it. Write down what needs that person met--for example, they were a companion, they helped with your finances, or they cheered you up. Reviewing it, figure out where to get what you need somewhere else, suggests Robyn Landow, a clinical psychologist in New York. Who in your support group of family and friends can fill those gaps? "There isn't going to be one person who can do all of those things," Dr. Landow says, "but maybe this person can do three or four, and this other person does 10 or 15 of them already."

Losing Your Job

That pink slip set off an emotional minefield of anger, stress, fear, and embarrassment. Express those feelings--by venting to a friend, for example--and get over them, says Al Siebert, psychologist and author of The Resiliency Advantage: Master Change, Thrive Under Pressure, and Bounce Back from Setbacks.

You can also write out a list of all the ways you were horribly wronged at that last job, then shred it. "Research shows us that the most resilient people focus quickly on problem solving," Dr. Siebert says. Jump into action as soon as possible--looking for another job, practicing selling yourself with friends and family, taking care of tasks your work didn't leave you time to do--and you may find that both your feelings and the situation have changed.

Optimistic people tend to be more resilient, and that quality can be boosted as well. As you begin searching for a new job, try this visualization exercise from Dr. Dorlen: Play out the potential disaster scenario you've been anxious about in your mind one more time--but rewrite it with a happy ending. Imagine, say, the big job interview beginning with a lively, easygoing discussion between you and your potential employer and ending with her offering you the job. Forcing yourself to see--and feel--that this positive outcome is a real possibility will actually help no matter which way the chips fall.

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